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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27020101">If only you knew</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babydollminyoongi/pseuds/Cuddlekylo'>Cuddlekylo (Babydollminyoongi)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Difference, Consensual Sex, Ddlg and bdsm elements, Eating Disorders, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Healthy Relationships, Mental Health Issues, Older Man/Younger Woman, Teacher-Student Relationship, Vaginal Sex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:10:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,066</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27020101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babydollminyoongi/pseuds/Cuddlekylo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey is a young self conscious girl with a massive desire for attention and love. </p><p>Ben is a highschool teacher,<br/>Who despite his intimidating stature, is the most calming person shes ever met.</p><p>With a small infatuation with him growing over time Rey tries to shove her feelings down any way she can and Ben just wants to protect her, not realizing he’s hurting her in the process. </p><p>(Underage is not explicit! Ben and Rey do not do anything sexual until she is older- but her crush on him starts around 16/17)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If only you knew</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Trigger warnings for the chapter:<br/>Mentions of eating disorders</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey didn’t think of herself as someone desirable. The pull of her flesh tightly against her bones, the ease with which her body bruised and blackened at any small touch, the fierce yet unnervingly childish look to her face, it all contributed to the sinking feeling in her stomach. She traced her fingers over the subtly protruding bones at her wrists, swirling little circles around it before pulling away to just wrap her hand around her wrist instead. She was bitter, simply put, the complicated relationship she had with herself could be reduced to bitterness and misunderstanding. She was still bitter, even as her ribs threatened to be seen through shirts, she still wished she could get small enough to simply fade away. She was bitter that between her mother's death and her father's absence she’d never felt love a single day in her life. Most of all she was bitter that this far into her life she hadn’t ever been happy or ever loved herself.</p><p>Rey felt the familiar feeling of her stomach clenching up the longer she looked at herself the more she wanted to vomit at the sight of herself. She looked away and decided that washing her face in the morning wasn’t worth having to look in the mirror. Rey dressed herself quickly before any more intruding comments could be made in her mind, it would be fine once she was covered up and unable to look at any sickly looking part of herself. </p><p>She should’ve been happy or at the least relieved. She was going to a different school for her final year in high school, away from anyone who knew her, maybe she could just manage to slip through without attention. </p><p>She’d moved with her father, she didn’t know why, he wasn’t home anyways so it didn’t make sense that she’d throw what little life she had away just to switch to yet another empty house miles away. It didn’t bother her that he’d made her come all this way but she couldn’t help but feel she’d be detached anywhere she went. Maybe she’d feel even closer to her father if the reason he only texted was distance, and not negligence. She’d never know though.</p><p>Rey glanced at the note left by her father, telling her to eat, to sleep, to try and make friends, but it wasn’t even a conscious choice anymore- Rey couldn’t do any of it.<br/>
Rey wasn’t against eating, just as she wasn’t against making friends, but she’d spent so long forcing herself not to that trying it caused more harm than good, thinking about either task was rather overwhelming so Rey tore her eyes from the note and just ran out the door without allowing herself to dwell on it.</p><p>***</p><p>Rey liked to be early, especially when it was winter at her old school and she could sit and let the cold chip away at her until her fingers shook and turned red. Even in summer though with the sticky air hanging overhead she still savored it. The cold had always been her closest companion, in its absence she’d feel even more isolated. This new town was too warm for Rey. The air was too wet, the sun too strong, and the amount of noise the bugs made was jarring to say the least.</p><p>To try and enjoy the heavy air surrounding the town Rey perched herself on a bench outside the school, she tried to do her makeup to pass time, a small part of her hoped it would contribute to people thinking positively towards her. If not at least it passed time and helped hide the evidence of sleepless nights beneath her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Schools unlocked before it’s open-“</p><p>Rey's head shot up to look at the source of the sudden voice, her fists clenched to hide the way it made her hands shake. She observed the man in front of her with a good deal of caution, he looked kind, but that could be misleading. She didn’t like to trust anyone quickly but his next words helped to put her at ease.</p><p>“I’m Ben- well Mr. Solo...I teach here.”</p><p>Rey nodded and slipped the little compact blush back into her backpack, the confirmation he was a teacher was enough to curb her panic enough that she leaned back to really look at him. Besides looking kind he was huge, towering over her, he was quite handsome as well- in a unique way she could appreciate. He seemed like someone who would be a good friend, his hands were big so they’d be pleasant to hold.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Rey had never been well liked by the adults in her life, her quiet timid nature sometimes came off as snobbishness or dislike when it was just primal fear. Her last wish would’ve been to never upset such a kind seeming man. Ben seemed all too sweet and she didn’t want to come off as rude.</p><p>“What for...? What’s your name by the way?”</p><p>“.... f-for being rude, sorry, you caught me off guard I guess.”</p><p>Rey almost didn’t answer the second question until the last moment, she was still shaken up and completely unprepared for a conversation like this. </p><p>“Rey,”</p><p>The man, Ben, offered a kind smile as he extended his hand to her, he was effortless and calm.<br/>
His strong and relaxed demeanor made Rey’s stomach start feeling bad again, churning and bubbling away her anxiety in the least comfortable way possible, she really didn’t like talking to people if it could be avoided.</p><p>“This school’s pretty big, it can be hard for new students to find their way around so I’d be happy to walk you to your first class Rey.”</p><p>Rey nods and slips past Ben without touching his hand, she knew it could’ve seemed rude but she already felt jittery enough without needing to touch him. Too many parts of her brain signaled to her that touching his hand would lead to wanting to hold it and that wouldn’t be good at all.</p><p>“It can be hard to get used to, well at least that’s what the students who transfer here say. We have odd schedules I guess.”</p><p>Rey listens but only barely,<br/>
He seemed fine with her not answering in the slightest and just continued to chat about the school itself, it’s history, why he thinks it’s a cool building, and the more he goes on the more Rey finds that she’s eager to continue listening. His enthusiasm towards the school made her feel like it may be a good opportunity. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>It would’ve been easy to just shut her mind down as soon as it started reeling, she wasn’t used to anyone taking time out of their day for her- even if it was just to walk her to class. Thinking about it made her heart speed up just enough to cause discomfort, surely he was just a kind person, but kindness wasn’t common in her life. </p><p>Ben had a low but melodic voice and seemed to have no issue talking the entire way to class, she could listen just as easily, all day if possible. He had the kind of voice that sounded like a movie narration, maybe one of the Christmas movies Rey adored as a child could’ve been voiced by Ben. The thought of such a tall passionate guy voicing over a hallmark movie made her crack a smile.</p><p>“I hope you enjoy it here, I’ve taught here for years and love seeing new people come in.”</p><p>“How long?”</p><p>Rey piped in finally after minutes of him talking to himself, it seemed to bring a tiny smile to his face to be asked about his job. She couldn’t deny she liked making him happy already, he had such passion.</p><p>“Ten years- since I graduated actually.”</p><p>Rey nodded to confirm she’d heard him but didn’t push the conversation any further. She was curious how old he was... definitely in his thirties but he seemed so cheery and unbroken by life that it was easy to believe he could’ve been younger.</p><p>“I’m guessing since you’re in this class that you’re in your final year?”</p><p>“mmhm I am…”</p><p>Rey nearly stepped directly into Ben when he suddenly stopped and turned around, luckily she caught herself on the tips of her toes, only teetering for a moment before she regained her balance. Sitting down, he’d looked huge, but standing up just made it more clear. The man was massive, tall, broad, easily intimidating if he wasn’t so kind looking.</p><p>“Enjoy your last year... Rey.”</p><p>Ben opened the door for her and gave a brief introduction to who she assumed was her teacher, he beckoned for her to come and wait in the classroom until school started. She didn’t hesitate to sit pretty close to the front, it was easier to drown out the students if she was in the front so it was her go to. It also helped her focus and retain more information so it seemed like a clear choice.</p><p>“This guys class is awesome Rey- I’ll see you around!”</p><p>Rey ran her tongue over her top lip quickly before she spoke.</p><p>“Thank you... Mr. solo... sir?”</p><p>She honorific seemed to draw a laugh from Ben as he left through the now open classroom door. He was mesmerizing, sinfully kind and his presence felt so... welcoming.<br/>
Rey stared at the empty door frame for a while before unpacking and preparing for class, at least the staff seemed friendly.</p><p>Class was a breeze, no one noticed that she was new or if they did they didn’t mention it or indicate that they did. She was able to take notes pretty much peacefully, The majority of her morning classes just breezed by easily. No one spoke to her, which meant no one was rude, but it also meant no one cared to acknowledge her. Rey had always thought she preferred to stay hidden, but having Ben’s attention on her earlier on the day, as minimal as it was, had brightened her mood considerably. Maybe she was fine being acknowledged if it was by a super handsome and kind man with a nice voice. Rey knew it was just offhanded kindness, the way a teacher should treat students, but nonetheless her heart fluttered whenever he crossed her mind. She wasn’t used to kindness.</p><p>***</p><p>Three classes were completed before she went to lunch, she didn’t know the policies yet and didn’t want to look stupid on the first day so she bit back the desire to eat outside. a little crevice underneath the stair case near the cafeteria seemed like the perfect place to hide out during lunch. Rey decided to do a little reading ahead for English since it was the subject she felt the least confident in. It was so easy to get absorbed in books though and it was only when the door suddenly swung open that Rey realized she’d zoned out.</p><p>“Oh! Rey?”</p><p>Ben stood towering over her for a few moments before he squatted down to be at eye level. Rey marked her page and set it down in her lap to politely give the man her full attention.</p><p>“What are you doing sitting here...?”</p><p>“Umm...”</p><p>Rey wasn’t sure how to explain that she liked small little peaceful spaces where she could be alone, she usually just dismissed adults to get them off her case immediately but Ben was.... so welcoming.</p><p>“I don’t like a lot of crowd and noise. It makes me feel dizzy.”</p><p>It was true, half of the truth at least, that Rey got jittery and nervous in crowds- it was a much easier answer than going into explaining any deeper reasons.</p><p>“A lot of teachers would probably let you sit in their classrooms if you wanted that instead- but I think that makes sense. Being around a lot of people can be tiring... did you eat already?”</p><p>Rey let out a relieved breath when instead of gearing to leave Ben sat cross legged in front of her. </p><p>She hadn’t eaten though but was a bit worried if she said that he may be upset, she hesitated long enough that she could see his brows furrow.</p><p>“I left my lunch at home, sorry sir.”</p><p>“You should’ve told me! All the teachers here keep snacks just in case that happens. I’ll get you one from my office after lunch...”</p><p>Rey tilted her head, she likely wouldn’t eat it, but the way that Ben talked to her and showed her care was too much, she politely thanked him and kept their gazes locked together. </p><p>“You know that you can come to me about anything right? I know I’m not your teacher but you remind me of how I was at your age...”</p><p>It was framed as an offhanded comment but it did shed light on a little part of his motives, to Rey it made perfect sense. Except she couldn’t ever imagine Ben being anything other than charismatic and perfect, he seemed like he should’ve been popular in school... but she knew how cruel kids could be too so maybe Ben was just /too/ perfect.</p><p>“What subject do you teach Mr. Solo...sir.”</p><p>“English and creative writing. I didn’t want to comment at first but it’s nice to see students reading in their free time- that’s part of your course for the year right?”</p><p>Ben gestured to the book In Rey's lap and she provides the tiniest of nods. </p><p>“It’s confusing to me but I think I like it...”</p><p>“It’ll make sense when you get to the end I swear...”</p><p>Rey craved attention like this, positive, engaging, caring, the whole interaction made her wanna curl up in Ben’s arms and never let go- she’d never initiate that though, she was weird with physical affection.</p><p>“Thanks- f-fo...for.... sitting with me sir...”</p><p>Ben’s smile made Rey’s heart feel like it had just been run over by a truck, she made him smile- how rewarding it was to know that she could possibly make someone smile. </p><p>“Thanks for letting me Rey- I’ll see you around ok? Want me to walk you to your next class?”</p><p>Rey nodded, she loved that suggestion more than Ben would ever understand, it had only been a day and he’d already shown her more attention than her parents. She trailed behind him up the stairs, happy to hear him talk about the book she’d been reading and give some pointers on the best way to not get overwhelmed by everything in it.</p><p>***</p><p>If Rey could spend every moment in the upcoming year with Ben she truly felt like her school year may actually turn out well. His supportive attitude made her feel confident that she could read the book and do a damn good analysis of it, if Ben thought she could then she definitely could!</p><p>Her next class went by pretty well, the only mishap being Rey freezing up when she’d had to introduce herself, which she’d quickly remedied by just saying her name.</p><p>Other students were creative with their introductions, saying funny things or telling their accomplishments or interests, they weren’t just a first name with nothing to hold it up. Rey’s stomach churned and she quickly cleared her head of that line of thinking so she could focus on the lecture.</p><p>She stared at the little bag of chips on her desk and it made her cheeks warm up the slightest bit, half of her felt guilty that she’d taken his food and had no plans to eat it, but the other half was too fixated on the fact that he gave her food.</p><p>She couldn’t really afford to be distracted by something as stupid as a bag of chips so she tossed it in her school bag and went back to jotting down notes.<br/>
She was still having a harder time focusing than she should, staring at her own skeletal fingers or making sure her eraser shavings were all properly brushed off was what consumed her mind. Fixation, she was frail, her hands were small and looked like they’d be useless for anything harder than holding a pencil, they were always cold and shaking and her fingers were a mess of blood and hangnails from her incessant biting. Ben had nice hands, they looked strong and big- Rey gasped a bit and cut her inner thoughts off immediately.</p><p>She couldn’t think about him like that- it was stupid of her. </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p>Rey couldn’t say why she hovered by the exit to the school, it wasn’t a long walk home, and she had no reason to stay. However, like a ghost attached to something it could no longer have, Rey stayed and she tentatively watched the doors. Maybe she was hoping someone would talk to her- no one had all day, but maybe she was hoping it was Ben that would walk through the door.<br/>
That was more likely.</p><p>Rey still hadn’t touched the chips and had convinced herself subconsciously that she should probably give the bag back to Ben so he could give it to a student who’d actually eat it- it totally wasn’t just because she wanted to see him and hear his voice again.</p><p>It had been thirty minutes of being leaned against the brick wall leading up to the school and Rey was beginning to think it was just stupid of her- naive and stupid like most things she did. She couldn’t held the bit of disappointment that crept into her. She turned around and rushed home, suddenly feeling embarrassed that she’s stood there for so long for something as stupid as a bag of chips. Ben wouldn’t care and definitely didn’t want to see her outside of the short hours of a school day.</p><p>Once Rey was home she tossed her bag aside and laid down on her unmade bed. She’d never considered her first day of school would’ve left her feeling so confused and shaken. It had felt so magical and unreal for most of the day but laying half on top of a butterfly comforter with fairy lights dancing around her only served to remind Rey of what reality was. Reality wasn’t getting lost in an adult male’s voice as he talked about a book, it wasn’t his kind smile or reassurances, it wasn’t his overly kind attention- reality was cold, and Rey was tired.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahhh so this is my first fanfic here and I hope everyone likes it! Please lemme know what you think so far and if there’s anything specific you’d like to see out of this plot.<br/>I see a lotta teacher x student Reylo but wanted to try and do a spin on it that explores a more wholesome Ben Solo dynamic instead of a kylo one....</p></blockquote></div></div>
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